


from the valleys to the moon

by misbehavin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Schmoop, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Jealous Castiel (Supernatural), Love Confessions, M/M, Pining Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Sam Winchester, Requited Love, Soul Touching, Spells & Enchantments, some discussions about sex, yes this is all kinda cheesy but hear me out: love & reciprocity is what they deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27835153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misbehavin/pseuds/misbehavin
Summary: "What do you think happened, then? Maybe Jamie is the one who—""No, it wasn't her. I would be able to tell," Castiel huffs, then frowns. Would he? He's not as angelic as he once was. Then he recalls the past couple of hours on his mind, how close and warm Sam was beside him. "Unless… Unless it was her, and she was some sort of witch and she did something. In any case, I think it was me, after all," he swallows, "An illusion like that is more likely to work if the person is prone to it in the first place."
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 51





	from the valleys to the moon

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!  
> I first started this fic such a long time ago so tbh idk how I feel about it? There are bits I really like and esp now I feel like it might work for other people.  
> This can technically be set somewhere in season 12/post season 12 (not that I give a damn about canon lol), and it doesn't matter here but Dean's dead, Lucifer's dead, nothing big is going on, Cas and Sam are raising Jack together and they adopted Magda as well and they're still hunting.
> 
> WARNINGS: nothing non-consensual actually happens, but there are a few moments that imply it before everything is cleared up.
> 
> Title from the song "I will be there" by Odessa.
> 
> Let me know if you enjoy any of this 💕

Castiel was looking at Sam’s jawline, which was very nice, then at the woman's eyes, which were also nice, and back and forth until he nearly lost track of time.

Maybe it was the hunger, or that he was still tired, or maybe it was something else; he just couldn’t bring himself to really focus. 

Not until he felt Sam’s hand on his leg. And it was definitely Sam’s hand because he noticed the woman's long nails, tapping along to the beat of the music on top of the table, and he would definitely be able to feel them. And this hand was larger, had a grip too firm. What was Sam doing?

It took Castiel a while to finally react.

“Sam.”

Sam smiled at him, not drunk but on his way to being there as it seemed — despite the fact that he'd been sipping the same bottle of beer since they arrived.

“Yeah?”

Castiel took a deep breath. 

Of course he didn’t want Sam to take his hand off of him, of course not. So he replayed in his head the same thing he’d been telling himself for awhile now, something about having _at least_ this, and said, “Um, sorry. Nothing.”

From that point forward, he was less and less concentrated in anything but that warm touch. He still couldn’t care enough to pay attention to the conversation. His eyes continued to stare at random places, like the woman's nails, or his own, or Sam’s neck and the dip between his collarbones, or the empty glass of water in front of him — had he drank it? His mouth and throat were still so dry. 

As far as post-hunt commemorations went, this was supposed to be standard. They agreed to go out for a drink or two, and when they went into the bar and Sam decided to sit down at a secluded table, Cas had followed him.

Then their conversation was politely interrupted by a person who wouldn't stop stealing glances at Sam since they came in. Castiel had made a furtive motion to leave them be, but Sam had frowned and said, _you don't have to go._

It was fine.

Castiel only started to break a sweat and overthink when Sam’s hand went up his thigh. Up until that point, everything felt off, like he was missing some sensitive information about what was going on. He’d been thinking of it as some hazy dream. Then he felt Sam's hand on him and everything came to a sharp focus.

Cas tried to mask a gasp as a cough when Sam’s hand went so far up he thought he was gonna actually do something, right there, in public.

He stared at the woman whose date didn’t show up, lamenting her love life. There she was, beautiful, clearly flirting with _both_ of them, testing her luck. She was wearing a black T-shirt, her teeth were very white and her brown eyes vibrant, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about her and her presence. If this was different, he would be smiling back at her, because he always likes to make new friends and she seemed willing to share a lot of her opinions. Castiel had always liked that about people, the ways in which some of them had opinions on every little thing and how passionate they were about them. If this was really any different, he would engage in the conversation and thoroughly enjoy it. He didn't; everything was eclipsed by the thought of Sam.

 _Maybe he’s suggesting_ — _Or maybe_ — _Maybe he knows about_ — _What if he’s trying to_ — No— _This isn’t what I think it is. There’s no reason why I should read too much into it. Unless… No. This is Sam_. _He doesn’t do this kind of thing, does he? He probably—_

“Cas? You alright?” Sam asked, his hand still firm and solid on Castiel's thigh.

"Yes," Castiel answered, voice tight. “I think— I gotta go.”

“You sure you’re okay?” The woman asked, sounding genuinely concerned. Castiel couldn't remember her name, no matter how hard he tried. “You look a bit pale.”

“I’m fine.” 

“Cas.”

“I am _fine_ , Sam.”

The woman raised an eyebrow. “Actually, I think it’s better if _I_ go.” 

“No, please," said Castiel, wide-eyed. "I just need some air but I’m all right.”

Only he wasn’t, as he hyperventilated for a long moment as soon as he stepped outside.

As he tried to catch his breath and scrubbed his face, Castiel contemplated his infatuation. He couldn’t help but wonder if Sam had picked up on any of his hints. Sure, he was as blatant as he managed, which wasn't much, but Sam _knew_ him. Sam was his friend, his kind, _attentive_ friend, so it couldn’t have gone unnoticed, could it? 

From where he was standing, he could see Sam through the window, smiling at the woman —Jamie? Julia? Jane? —, apparently more comfortable and flirtatious, and some terrible, awful part of Cas wanted to hate her; his muscles tensed when he imagined the things she was saying to Sam. The things she was going to _do_ to Sam, and the things Sam would do _to her_ , once they were out of there. She’d smile wide as she moved herself closer and closer until she decided how close was close enough. She’d kiss Sam until both their mouths were tingling and the worst thing about it was that Sam would _let_ her. Because he’d be way into it to not allow himself to kiss her back, to _want_ her back, since she was right there, opening herself up to him.

Cas felt the lump on his throat thicken and his body heat increased to the point he’d thought he was feverish. As if everything else weren’t stupid enough, he was jealous too. 

Jamie or Julia or Jane was grinning and Sam was nodding along as she spoke and Castiel wished he wasn’t affected by any of it. He didn’t want to feel entitled and jealous about it if Sam wanted it. Sam was his own person and he was free to do whatever he wished. But Castiel couldn’t stay neutral, couldn’t not care, couldn’t stop himself from wishing Sam had followed him when he walked out.

  
  


* * *

The only thing that makes Castiel glance away from the flickering image on the TV is his phone vibrating announcing a new text. 

> **Jack** : No, Magda fell asleep halfway through. When are you and Sam coming back? And yes we ate dinner

Castiel turns off the device after a quick reply telling Jack to go to sleep too and just a few minutes later, Sam walks in through the door.

"Hey," he greets. 

"Hello," Cas frowns. It's been barely fifteen minutes since he came to the motel, and the walk from the bar is about ten. "What are you doing here?"

The words come off strange by the look on Sam's face.

"What are _you_ doing?" Sam says, not unkindly.

"Watching television," answers Castiel, voice flat. It's now a half-truth: he's technically looking at the general direction of the TV, and he has a vague idea of what is happening on-screen, but out of the corner of his eye he's watching Sam, paying attention to his stance and to the slightest of movement. 

Sam huffs and sits down, the chair too small for him to be any comfortable. He asks about Jack and Magda and gets another brief, concise response. He fidgets, leans on his elbows then leans back and rubs his palms on his jeans, then pushes his hair out of his eyes and behind his ears. He stands back up, unable to stay still.

It's easy, them being like this. Castiel on one side, not making any questions although he's curious, and Sam on the other side, visibly nervous about something and not ready to talk about it or ask for help. Sometimes true friendship is just company, with silence as its own kind of comfort.

By his bed, Sam decides to remove his outer layers, then apparently most of his clothes. He unbuttons his shirt, bundles it up in a ball and throws it aside so it lands on top of his duffel bag. He unhooks the buckles of his belt and pulls the belt free in one smooth motion, and Castiel, tense, holds his breath for a split second as he notices how Sam's jeans now hang low on his hips. Sam goes through his things, finds a toothbrush and heads towards the bathroom. When he comes back into the room, he puts the toothbrush away, sits on the bed and finishes undressing. 

Castiel closes his eyes, imagines and reinvents the future.

"I'd like to make a proposition," he says. It's likely to be a terrible idea, but he has to at least try. He doesn't know how to keep this inside forever. It's safe to say it isn't _new_ but if anything, time hasn't yet taught him to make it less big, or stop it from growing. He loves Sam, and he loves him in many ways he can't explain in any human language, and that's not going to ever change; what is at stake here is something else, it's one very specific form of love and connection and for someone who once was terrified about the mere thought of wanting anything for himself, Castiel wants this — though he's no less terrified.

"What do you mean?" asks Sam, turning around.

"You seem to be in a bad mood because things apparently didn't go as you planned tonight, so I thought… I need to tell you that I'm…" Castiel swallows, backtracks. He'd have Sam anyway he could and he's not entertaining the notion that Sam _'likes'_ him back. This is about sex; Sam has every reason to not want anything else from him. "I'm willing to be your rebound."

Sam's eyebrows go up. It's almost comic. Almost.

" _What_?"

"Rebound. Am I not using the term right?"

Sam blinks. He stutters a few times before managing to come up with a full on sentence. "I— Um— You— Wha—? Uh, okay, first of all, I appreciate what I think you're trying to do but you're my friend. I would never… Use you, in that way."

"Why not? I'm offering."

Sam seems appalled. "I can't, sorry, no." Then, again, more firmly, "No."

Castiel stands up, suddenly confused. "Then why were you… At the bar, why did you put your hand on my thigh?"

Sam's eyes widen and he shakes his head, brows still furrowed. "I didn't. What do you mean? I would never—" His voice breaks, "I would never do that."

Castiel deflates. Swallows past a thick lump in his throat. He should've known.

"Oh," he mutters awkwardly, heat rising to his face.

People often think feelings and emotions are one and the same, Castiel has learned. That is not true. Angels are prone to feelings of love, and faith, and grief. But emotions are human: it's in the body and it's got its own set of rules. Cas has been learning how to deal with it, as he's finally accepted this human body as more than a vessel to contain him, but it often catches him unprepared. Right now, then, his eyes water and he's not crying yet but all of the emotion pulsing through him makes him feel strange, vulnerable like an exposed wound. The back of his throat seems closed and his chest too tight a space for its organs. He doesn't know what to do in case he starts shaking. 

_He should've known._

"Cas?"

Another thing he often forgets he can no longer do is get away from situations in a blink, with a fast move of wings. Now if he wants to be anywhere but here he needs to use his legs and walk. 

"Cas, are you o—"

"I— I need to go."

The door is ajar when Sam catches up to him and gently curls his hand around Castiel's on the doorknob. 

"I don't know where this is coming from but… I didn't do anything. And you're not a consolation prize. I'm sorry if you somehow think that. Or if I ever made anything that made you think that."

Castiel lets go of the doorknob and turns around to face him. They're very close, so much so Cas can notice the colors of Sam's eyes flicker: green, blue, gold. 

"I don't understand what the problem is," he says, both his hands curled into fists by his sides now. "You were more than willing to spend the night with that woman. What's the difference?"

"Well, for starters, the difference is that you're you!" Sam exclaims, with a wild gesture, like he can't believe this argument. He moves to sit back down on his bed, still looking at Cas. "You're not some random person! You're my…" He swallows whatever he's about to say and then continues, "I can't just… Do this once and be done with it and act like it never happened."

Castiel takes a deep breath. His eyes still burn with unshed tears, but something inside him stirs awake at Sam's words.

"Why not?" 

_Because it would be weird,_ a part of Castiel answers. _Because_ you're _weird_.

Sam runs his hands through his hair. Deflects eye contact.

"Because, Cas," he shrugs, a strange melancholy seeping through his voice. "I care too much about you to not get attached."

Castiel's eyes widen for a moment as he comes to a realization. He swallows, "Would that be such a terrible thing?"

"No," Sam admits in a rushed breath. His smile is sad, barely there, a quick flash of perfect teeth. "No, of course not. But you don't want a relationship with me. I'm not— I'm no good. C'mon, you know this. I'm way more trouble than I'm worth."

"Not to me," says Cas, softly. 

A second goes by and Sam finally looks up, his face blank as if it's taking him a moment to digest everything that's being laid out.

"I swear I didn't do anything at the bar," he starts, trying to apologize and change the subject.

"I believe you," says Castiel without missing a beat.

"What do you think happened, then? Maybe Jamie is the one who—"

"No, it wasn't her. I would be able to tell," Castiel huffs, then frowns. Would he? He's not as angelic as he once was. Then he recalls the past couple of hours on his mind, how close and warm Sam was beside him. "Unless… Unless it was her, and she was some sort of witch and she did something. In any case, I think it was me, after all," he swallows, "An illusion like that is more likely to work if the person is prone to it in the first place."

Sam clenches and unclenches his jaw.

"Cas… Are you sure you're okay?"

"If it was indeed a cheap spell, it has probably already worn off, if that's what you're asking."

"Well, it's not. That's not what I'm asking. I'm serious, are you okay?"

Castiel doesn't answer.

For a moment they just look at each other. 

It's a surprise that Castiel is the one to break first, but it's not because he looks away. He never looks away. 

"I love you," he says, taking a step forward then retreating, uncertain if what he's trying so hard to say is getting through. Sam jolts, already closing the distance between them before Cas is even done speaking. "And I want you," seeing Sam approach he puffs his chest, staring up at him wide-eyed, "Sam?"

Sam's hand is gentle on Cas' cheek, gaze as fond and sorrowful as per usual.

Castiel stares back, waiting. 

"We need to find her," Sam says, and it's like he means something entirely different. He licks his lips and Cas watches it without blinking, "Whoever was messing with your head, we need to do something."

"It's worn off," Castiel insists, "I—"

"We'll deal with her then we— Then we'll talk, okay? I promise."

Already shaking his head, Castiel places both hands on Sam's shoulders. He tries to show off a reassuring smile but it doesn't seem to work.

"I'm okay, we don't need to go deal with her right now," he looks down at the shape of Sam's mouth, then up again, "Maybe later, after—"

"Cas," Sam says, grabbing Cas' wrists. "Not like this. I want to, you have no idea how much I want to, but not like this," he ignores Castiel still shaking his head, "Do you want to come with or should I handle her myself?"

"I don't— I don't know. I can help but— But I want to stay here, with you, I—"

"We'll be quick," he promises, "We'll be back here in no time. And I don't want to leave you alone either," he takes one of Cas' hands in his. "Trust me?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

"Then let's go."

* * *

Turns out she's not hard to find. Perched on the hood of a car parked at the far corner of the parking lot, she lights up what could've been a cigarette but it's definitely incense. She pulls it out of her mouth and holds it between her palms, inhales deeply. The whole thing looks fake, overly theatrical. But Sam knows better.

"What did you do to him?" 

Jamie doesn't flinch, exactly. Her body goes rigid, the smoke swirling around her pausing for a brief second too.

"Hi, again," she says, relaxing slightly.

"I'm not gonna ask again," says Sam, standing with his chin up and his shoulders squared.

"Don't know what you mean."

Suddenly, Cas takes a step closer and grabs her shoulder. Her skin sizzles and she jumps back, screaming in pain.

Castiel doesn't blink. "Speak," he orders.

"What the hell! Who are you?!"

"Take a guess."

"Ow, shit, I didn't do anything! It was just— It was just something I like to give people sometimes! As a gift!"

"A gift?" Sam scoffs. 

"Yes, a gift!" Jamie rubs her shoulder, still wincing, "It's like a… An enabler."

"How so?" asks Castiel.

She looks between them.

"It sort of manifests something a person wants, but not really. Like— like a palpable illusion and sometimes it lowers people's inhibitions too and honestly it's not a bad thing, you know!"

Castiel clenches his jaw.

"Essentially, you drugged me."

"I put a very light spell on you. And you were the one who asked anyway."

"I asked?" 

"Yeah, of course, I don't do this to people for no reason, I'm not an asshole. Forgetting the spell being cast is a very uncommon side-effect but look, it's mostly gone now, so you have nothing to worry about."

Sam opens and closes his fist. "Mostly gone is not gone."

"He'll be fine in a few hours."

"I don't want him fine in a few hours," Sam says, through his teeth, taking a step closer as Jamie takes a step back. "I want him fine _right now_."

She holds up her hands.

"Okay! But you'll leave me alone! I swear I'm not hurting anyone."

Cas takes a step further as well. "If you're lying…"

"I know. You'll find me and kill me. But I'm not."

She approaches Castiel slowly, touches the back of his neck with the tip of her finger, then his forehead, then, very quickly, his lips. She snaps her fingers once, whispers a few words.

"Done," Jamie says, backing away again. "Goodbye forever," she mutters, seconds before disappearing into the bar.

Sam waits a few seconds, looking at Castiel from head to toe.

"I think it worked," says Cas, sounding tired.

He turns around and before he can take a single step he goes limp. Sam catches him, one arm slung over his shoulders. 

"Hey, talk to me."

"About what?"

Sam can't help but smile at that. "Anything. Just don't fall asleep. We need to walk back, remember?"

* * *

  
  


The walk back is fine. Castiel doesn't actually talk, but at least he doesn't give out sarcastic responses when Sam asks if he's still awake. He leans into him, lets him hold him tight and keep him standing upright.

Once Sam helps him down the bed and pulls the blanket over him, Cas sniffs, and says quietly, "I'm sorry I ruined everything. But you must know I meant every word I said."

Sam swallows. Allows Cas to hold onto his wrist.

"It's okay, you don't need to explain, you were under a spell—"

"That made me think I could get what I want, which is you."

"Cas—"

"Please, Sam," he begs, face flushed and wet. "I'm sorry. I am. That I made you… Uncomfortable. And jeopardized our friendship. And made a fool of myself."

"What?" Sam shakes his head. "No, don't say that. There's nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do any of that."

A strange moment of silence passes. 

Sam breathes in and out.

When Cas is about to release his wrist, Sam holds onto his hand, fingers intertwined, and sits by his side.

"Castiel?" 

"Yes?"

"How can you be sure it wasn't just the spell that made you think you wanted something with me?"

A humourless laugh escapes Cas. He closes his eyes, leans back against the pillows. He sounds tired but so certain that his words fall out of him like a speech he's rehearsed too many times.

"Because no spell of any kind could ever replicate what I feel for you," he says. "Because I've felt it for a long time. Because I've been sure of it for just as long," his voice starts to break, "Because… Because you're my friend. And you never make me feel inadequate. And you always find it in your heart a reason to forgive me. How could I— how could I not find in mine multiple reasons to want, to _love_ you as much as I do?" he takes a deep breath, a broken smile on his face. "That's why I have to be sorry. Otherwise I would have to be gone."

Sam can't stop shaking his head.

"No," he says, and Castiel's chest feels more tight. "You don't have to go anywhere. And you don't have to be sorry. _I'm_ sorry. That this whole thing happened to you. Cas... Cas, I swear, if you mean all of that, if you really feel that way, then… You deserve to know it's the same for me."

Castiel frowns.

"I don't understand."

"It's the same," Sam repeats.

"Sam?"

There's something wrong with Sam's face. His eyes are watery and bright, his lips trembling just a little.

"I mean, you're not alone in your feelings, okay?"

Castiel's frowns even more.

"I don't understand what you're telling me."

"What you just described, everything… That's how I feel about you."

Cas doesn't look away, although he wants to. He lets more tears spill out, all the pent-up mix of feelings and emotions he wouldn't let himself experience fully, hidden in layers of duty and fear, being washed out. He bites down his lip, "I don't like this. This spell is mean."

Sam wipes Cas' cheek with his free hand, and Castiel sinks into his warm touch.

"You think it hasn't worn off?"

"The witch said the illusion was of getting what I want."

Sam sucks a breath. "Do you think there's anything that can prove to you that what I'm telling you is true?"

Castiel can think of a hundred.

"I don't know."

Without ceremony, Sam pulls Cas hand to his chest. "Touch me. Touch my soul. That would give you some certainty, wouldn't it?"

Sitting up wide-eyed, Cas starts to say, "That's a terrible id—!"

"Do it," Sam says, in that stubborn way of his. "I'm serious, Castiel, do it right now. I don't want any more secrets or any doubt between us, not for one more minute. Do it."

Against his better judgement, Cas reaches for Sam's soul. Actually holding it is too painful a process for him to dare to do but he pushes all that he is into his hand, splayed between Sam's ribs, and waits for Sam's soul to respond to his calling. It rises to the surface and brushes against Castiel's power, like a subtle kiss.

He looks up at Sam, still confused. "You love me."

Sam nods, showing off the dimple on his cheeks as he begins to smile. "Yeah, I love you."

Castiel is still a bit shocked.

"You love me back."

Sam chuckles. "Yup."

Letting go of Sam's soul, Cas sits up and rests his forehead on Sam's shoulder. Sam holds the back of his neck, his thumb caressing a spot behind his ear. "I love you," Cas says. It feels good to say out loud, and it feels good to know that he's not alone. That this love is real and that this love is shared. "I love you," he repeats. "I'm sorry for tonight."

"Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for, I already told you," says Sam, speaking quietly on Cas' ear. "I'm sorry you've been hurt today and I'm sorry you've been hurting before today. And I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me anything."

"I didn't… I didn't think you'd want me back."

Sam snorts. "C'mon, I've had a crush on you since day one. And you're literally the strongest, smartest, hottest person I know."

Castiel smiles against Sam's shoulder. There's a chance he's crying tears of joy now. It's so new he wonders how long it'll take for it to subside.

He looks back up at Sam and puts his lips to his. A quick peck, barely felt. Sam grins at him and when their lips meet again it's like coming home. Sam makes a humming sound then opens his mouth and the kiss deepens. Cas holds onto Sam's shoulders while Sam holds his neck with one hand and with the other keeps wiping away Cas' incessant tears. He tilts his head to change the angle, keeping up with Cas and kissing back, his tongue warm and just as eager. Sam's lips are soft, and Cas keeps his eyes closed to keep his attention on the sensation of them against his.

When they pull apart it takes several breaths until Cas can speak any words.

"Say you love me again. Please."

Sam pulls him onto his lap, kisses his chin, "I love you," his cheek, "I love you," his temple, "I love you." Then he kisses him full on the mouth again, his arms around Castiel as they bask in the possibility of a new future.

"I love you," Sam reaffirms, over and over. Cas doesn't need to touch his soul to know it's true.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
